I never dreamed I’d be sharing this type of news. In fact, just a few short weeks ago, I was overjoyed and couldn’t wait to share one of the best kept secrets we’ve ever kept…

I should be sharing with the world the exciting news that we are expecting our second miracle baby, but instead we are saying "goodbye on this earth" to our second child.

I should be 12 weeks pregnant this week, and starting to pull out my maternity clothes soon; But instead I’m tucking away the "We are Expecting" announcements, pictures, and memories already made since finding out we were expecting, at just 3.5 weeks into this pregnancy.

I should be planning our gender reveal, but instead I am left wondering what my second child would look like, be, and and become.

I never thought that I would have to share the news that we lost our baby, our second child.

Sean and I found out just one week ago at our 11 week scan that our baby stopped growing at just 7 weeks and 4 days, and it’s little heart had now stopped beating.

We prayed for this baby and wanted it more than words could express. We dreamed daily of growing our family, telling Maddie she would finally become a big sister, and holding another child in our arms. Our hearts would ache every time Maddie would ask for a sibling, as we so deeply desired the same; And ever since she turned three, she asked God daily for sister or brother, as we prayed together as a family.

After countless prayers, pregnancy tests, and tears, we were over-joyed when shortly after Maddie’s 4th birthday, we found out we were pregnant! In fact, the reason I suspected I may be pregnant was thanks to Maddie. On Father’s Day she came up to me and told me that there was a baby in my tummy, and when I asked how she knew, she said, “God told me”. And I found out about one week later that she was right!

I told Sean I was pregnant on July 1st by pretending I needed his help with a live cooking segment, but I really just hit the record button on my phone so I could capture his reaction. I told him we were making Fourth of July donuts, and he would help me frost them. I pulled the “finished donuts” out of the oven, and on the pan was a positive pregnancy test and onesie that said “God Answered”, and of course some donuts. (I told him I was pregnant with Maddie with donuts as well, which made it really special.)

I then had the gift of telling my whole family on Fourth of July when we were all together, and my sister was home from California. We laughed and cried because they all knew how long we had been praying. It was a dream come true!

The best part of all, however, was telling Maddie. We got to tell her she would finally become a big sister!!! And we gave her big sister books and a baby to start practicing!

We planned, dreamed, and desired this baby for so long, it was a long awaited heart’s desire fulfilled. (Every woman who deeply desires a baby knows this ache that can only be cured when the desire for a baby is finally fulfilled. There is nothing quite like it.) And then … Without warning, of our plans, hopes and dreams for this little life were suddenly brought to a sudden stop.

We first learned something might be wrong when we went to our first ultrasound at 7.5 weeks. I was surprised to see how tiny the baby looked on the ultrasound, and we were told it was measuring one week behind. Although there was a strong heart beat.

We were told that we would need to come back in one week to re-evaluate; And that week was one of the longest of my life; It was beyond difficult not knowing.

Thankfully, we got to spend the week together in Tennessee, talking about the faithfulness of God and celebrating this life no matter the outcome, because this child is and will always be a part of our family!

In that time, He prepared my heart in so many ways that I didn’t even see at the time. One of the ways was through scripture after scripture of redemption, restoration, and also the TRUE LIFE we will have with Him in eternity. I knew no matter what, He is faithful, He is trust-worthy, and He is good.

We went to our follow up appointment when we returned home, and the results were given to us in moments. The doctor told us that the baby had stopped growing, and it didn’t have a heartbeat. The words of that moment were enough to take my breath away; And I knew in that exact moment I had a choice.

I heard the Lord say, “even in this moment, will you trust me?”

I had a choice… I could be bitter, angry, and question every thing about who God is, what He has promised, and even His character; Or I could acknowledge in my deepest valley - to trust the God who I knew could be trusted with every fiber of my being!

In this moment, I chose to go back to the foundation of who God has proven Himself to be. Not only to me in my 36 years of life, but also to generations for thousands of years, and before time began. I may not know and understand everything, but I do know that God is faithful.

I know that every single one of His promises are true and that He can not lie. I trust Him, and I know His heart is nothing but love towards me, and to all of His children. I know Him personally as my rock, my refuge, my healer, my comforter, my closest friend, my Father; And in this moment I know more than ever, His love is deep, wide, and endless towards us.

The moment we were given the news, within one split second I made the choice to trust my faithful Father, and the first words out of my mouth when the doctor left the room was, “I know that God will redeem this!”

We drove home from our appointment, hearts shattered, not knowing what to process first, or what to say next, and to make it even harder, we had an hour drive ahead! And that’s when only a mom and your sisters could be there like no one else! I called each one and told them the news. We cried and cried, and I shared the scripture that the Lord put on my heart during the week of waiting, “Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere” Psalm 84:10.

I told them that the thing that I know for sure is that our baby was going to live every single day of its life in a place that is better than thousands here ever would be! I cried with thankfulness knowing my baby was with Jesus and I would see them again! Over the next few days I talked to so many friends, many of which I had no idea also suffered a miscarriage! I was surprised to see how many women have suffered with loss!

The more I talked and shared with women who endured the loss of a child, the more I realized I was not alone, and nothing was wrong with me. It can be a very alone and isolating experience, and the enemy is quick to start the lies, “something is wrong with you”, “it was something you did”, etc. etc. As I talked with family and friend and other women that have walked this road, I realized how healing it was to talk and cry and share in the healing others had experienced and shared their stories of hope!

It made me realize more than ever how much we need community and the support of others! We simply can’t walk this life alone!

For two days I cried and cried. I never knew how or when the pain would ever heal. I ached with every wave of grief, and sometimes cried so hard I could barely breathe; Yet in that time I have never felt Jesus closer. I felt His arms of love holding me stronger than I ever have in my life...And then the third day came, and something supernatural came… a PEACE that passes all understanding. I have read about this peace, talked about this peace, and even experienced this peace, but never quite like this.

I suddenly saw everything from such an eternal perspective (a true gift from the comforter, the Holy Spirit), and I understood in such an unexplainable way that my child was not stolen or lost, but that this child is and will always be a part of our family!

I carried and loved that baby for a short 8 weeks of its life, but within that child was an eternal spirit that will be with me again forever in heaven!

This eternal perspective reminded me that this world is filled with sin, pain, war, sickness, and it is fallen. The things we see and experience are not all caused, allowed, or given by God. Sin, corruption, and evil are a very real thing, and because of it, this world isn’t what God originally designed.

Yes, God is all-powerful, and yes He is supreme. He holds the whole world in Hid hands, but He also gave authority in this world, and a free will to all man kind. He never wanted to control or dictate His children, and because of sin and choices made outside of His plan, life on earth comes with pain outside of His plan. It doesn’t mean we always cause it, or have a part to play, because there is also an enemy that hates every one of us. All he knows how to do is steal, kill, and destroy. (John 10:10.)

Although like I said with any loss of a life, praise God, the enemy can never steal a life surrendered to Jesus! True life begins in eternity with Jesus! This is why it is so important to understand and know that this life is not all there is! Eternity and heaven and hell are a very real thing, and we all have a choice to make that will determine our eternal outcome.

It’s been about a week since we said goodbye to our baby on earth, and I feel such comfort from the Lord, and recently the only tears that I have cried, is deep deep thankfulness for how Jesus’s love is so rich, so real, so tangible in our valleys. He is so very close to the broken hearted, and His word and His promises have been so healing!

He has already done so much healing in me, and I look forward to seeing how the Lord will continue to reveal His healing hand, and redeem and restore all that was lost! He has already shown me so much about the plan of redemption He has for our future, because this is one thing I know from experience- He specializes is redemption!!!

Another healing thing the Holy Spirit has already shown me, in the most loving gentle freeing way is that true freedom comes with surrender.I now see that I entered this second pregnancy in such a place of striving, anxiety, and fear. To be honest, I didn’t even see. I wanted to be pregnant SO bad for so long that it started to cloud out every thing else. I wanted so badly to control something I simply could not… and when I finally did get pregnant, I felt so much anxiety about anything that could or would happen.

The Lord showed me that I had such a tight grip on this baby, and that the struggle and striving was an attempt to destroy my strength and simple trust in the Lord. I have learned in this valley that unless we open our hands and surrender our children to Him, He really can’t move, even when He wants to. It made me wonder how often we as mothers do this…How often do we clench on to our children out of fear of the unknown!?!

The Lord asked me to open my hands and trust Him with my babies. Current, and even future; And so I at that moment I cried and released my fear, and gave my babies to Him.

I know it will be a continual surrender for the rest of my life, but I also know my children are safe when they are released into His care.

Lastly, in healing I have learned the healing power of relationships. I can’t imagine going through this without the support and prayers of such dear friends and family; But more than anything, I can’t imagine life without the friendship of Jesus. He offers so much more than eternity. He wants to walk in the closest relationship any one of us will ever know here on earth!

We plan to honor our sweet baby by celebrating its birthday with my dads every year, (my due date was on his birthday), and other ways as well! I know this baby’s life is a thing of beauty, and the ashes that we feel from losing this life will be turned to beauty here on earth! This baby is a miracle, a gift from the Lord, fearfully and wonderfully made, and created in His image! This child is and will always be a part of our family, and we are so thankful for the life that was created, and is now forever in eternity worshiping the Lord!

The last thing I want to say, is that if you have ever experienced and walked out the deep pain and emotional toil of infertility or loss, there are no words that can ever truly say “I’m sorry” enough. Having now been through both, I know the deep valleys that you have faced.

I will tell you one of the most beautiful and healing things is sharing, talking, and allowing others to walk the journey with you, even if they don’t fully understand. It is such an important thing to have others than can lift up your arms and pray when you feel the weakest.

I can also attest that no one and nothing can comfort like the love of Jesus.

No one could ever love you like He does. He knows how to speak to your heart and heal your pain better than anyone. Come to Him in your brokenness. Pour your heart and tears before Him, and let Him hold you. He promises to be so near to us when we are broken hearted, and I can now say from experience, if you open your heart to Him, He surely fulfills that promise! (psalm 34:18).

There is so much hope knowing the God that holds our hearts, and the one who holds eternity!

I’ve never known more in this moment, and could never be more confident in this:

Jesus has come to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor!

On the top of every mountain, and the pit every valley, I sing with every fiber of my being, “Great is Thy Faithfulness!”

xo Katie