The weight of shame is one of the heaviest to carry, isn't it? During my ten-year struggle with eating disorders, I felt hopeless at times. I felt sad. I felt powerless. The darkest, most painful sting, though, was the shame. There were several reasons for that, I'm sure. Maybe it was because I was professing my faith yet felt powerless to step out of my bondage. Perhaps it was the hypocrisy of coaching women in fitness while hiding my secret struggle. Maybe it was simply the most strategic and successful attack on my soul from the Enemy who wanted to destroy me. In truth, I believe it was all of those reasons.

Though my struggle was long, one particular day is permanently etched in my memory. Looking back, I think that's because it was the turning point. Sometimes you hit bottom before you begin to rise from the ashes, yes?

I remember so clearly coming home from work and indulging in the most out-of-control binge of my life. I was leading group fitness at the time. I was scheduled to instruct back-to-back cycling classes later that evening. I remember calculating how many calories I'd liking burn and mentally purging my way through the binge with that justification. That particular binge was so severe and caused me such physical sickness that I was not able to lead my classes that night. I walked out of the gym after letting all those people down, and the shame was piercing. I felt excruciating embarrassment. Not only did I indulge my flesh to the point of sickness, but I then lied about why I was sick. Of course, I couldn't be honest about what led me to the suffering. It was such a sinister spiral of shame and condemnation. I went home and just cried out to Jesus.

I needed deliverance, yes. First, though, I desperately needed understanding. Why was this destructive behavior something I couldn't seem to overcome? In my pursuit of understanding, the Lord was so faithful to reveal life-changing truths about my beliefs, both about myself and Him.

I Didn't Truly Trust God.

This realization was a stinger. I won't lie. I'm thankful, though, that the Lord searches and knows us. He knew it was blocking my release from bondage. I needed to face the fact that deep down, I didn't trust God. I was vying for control in various ways, eating disorders being the most prevalent. Here's what I've learned about the Lord. You don't need to protect Him from you. He can handle the hard stuff. He already knows the hard truths about you, and He loves you anyway. I was ashamed to admit that I had trust issues with the Father. He was willing to "go there," I wasn't. When I learned how much God loved me and that to be free, I had to open my white-knuckled grip of trying to control what was out of my control, the overwhelming urge to binge just lifted. I realized that there was another effective outlet that was also within my power – prayer. I also learned this very effective tool that's helped keep me free from binging for years.

I Didn't Truly Believe I'd Been Forgiven.

This was huge! Without this revelation of the truth, I might have never gotten truly free. If you struggle with binge eating, I encourage you to read my entire testimony that's more in-depth about overcoming this lie.

I Feared My Feelings

I had several very painful, scary experiences as a young child that left me feeling unsafe and unloved. In response, I believe I agreed with the Enemy early in my life that my feelings were something to be feared. I feared the ache of loss. I feared the vulnerability of sadness. I even feared excitement and anticipation for fear that I'd be disappointed. I had to learn to understand and embrace my feelings rather than quiet and numb them with binging. I'll be honest, this took years of Holy Spirit healing and help from Holy Spirit-filled counsel, but it happened, and it can happen for you too.

If you struggle to be free from binge disorder, I want to encourage you. I thank God that you are here at Dashing Dish at this moment. It's not an accident. God intended for you to read this at this very moment to encourage you. You are in the right place. There is hope for you here. There is God-inspired truth for you here. There is knowledge and instruction for you here. I thank God for every single woman who reads this, and I praise God ahead of time for the good work He's begun in you. In Jesus' name, I declare that it will continue to deepen and yield gorgeous fruit for God's glory. In Jesus' name, I say that ashes are exchanged for beauty even at this moment. May you begin to blossom today!